Professional dilettante: The Photoshop proletariat.

Petter had too much work last week and brought me in for some photoshopping. Confident that whatever retouching was required I would be up to it I set about poking at the material. How hard can it be, right?

Emerging four days later, having slept at his place with scant time for food or personal hygiene, I had much more respect for people who do this for a living. I’ve used Photoshop since 1995, but never worked with it full time and so have huge gaps in my knowledge of how to streamline the work. And apparently my instincts regarding geometry, colour, sharpness and common sense are lacking as well.

At one point, when phone was ringing every fifteen minutes to check on my progress, I could taste zinc in the back of my mouth. For more than one hour I was in an adrenalin buzz, laughing hysterically to myself, my hand cramping around the tablet pen and both feet describing an accelerating cadence for the neighbours below.


I’ve been tasked with doing two slideshows for Landstingsarkivet in Stockholm thanks to my work with the Museum of Architecture, and just got the audio for one of them. One is about a home for idiot children from the beginning of the last century; Children who were deemed to be mentally retarded or in need of special education were sent there to either get treatment and rehabilitation or to be taken care of for the rest of their lives in case they were “incurable.”

It makes for a harrowing read, where some of the diagnoses mistook poor vision for retardation, and the slideshow is supposed to tell the story of eleven kids admitted to the home for idiots, victims of circumstance and the (often well–intentioned) application of psychology, sociology and Christian morals.

Michael Jackson Ganglia Assembly

You know that one time that you and a friend showed up for a marathon and realised too late that you’ve signed up for a competition for “special children” but can’t really back out cause you might win the chocolate trophy; Besides you already paid the fee and have running shoes on? Well, Bustler and Archinect ran a Michael Jackson Monument Design competition and the entries are now available for voting on, and they’re of mixed quality.

Some contenders didn’t bother to look up “monument” in the dictionary but lept straight for the lens flare filter, while others did cute conceptual pieces. A few are good: Permanently exploding atom bomb Michael Jackson and Anti-terrorist Golden Statue with Lasers go for the humour. Lift & Slide is the only installation which seems thought through and MJ Sperm Bank is cute, but the rest are mostly photoshops of Michaels feet and the moon.



Go vote for my anti-cancer nano-glove. Let the others get their “You’re also super!” diplomas. I want that chocolate trophy and special groupies.

Vote Mateusz!

Tobias Hermansson is an evil man that enjoys clubbing seals, tearing wings off of flies, and doesn’t relent in his insistance that I look like Pedro. He used the power of Photoshop to make his case more convincing:

Speaking of voting, I’d urge all of you eligible to vote in the upcoming Swedish EU parliament election to support the Pirate Party. For real, if you don’t vote for them, you probably hate democracy. And puppies. What the fuck do you have against puppies you puppy–hating democracy–hater‽

Seriously though: “If voting changed anything they’d make it illegal” is more or less correct, but you could vote PP for shits and giggles if for no other reason. If you actually believe representative democracy is a good idea (oh, aren’t you adorable!) you ought to vote Pirate Party because every other party, left to right, doesn’t understand how the laws we’re passing on a national as well as international level are undermining every citizens right to privacy, and by extension all the provision that are in place that try to ensure a transparent democratic process and private communication and debate.

Who watchers the watchers, and so on. Go vote, you lazy bum. Piss off a few retarded politicians.

Having more fun than Jesus ever had!

I am not good at entertaining myself, and people are not returning my calls. Here are a few ideas I’ve been tossing around as to how I can become more “fun”:


Since I’m working with architecture at the moment, maybe now is the time to start planning that hobbit house that I’ve been dreaming about. I will pass on the round doors though.


Feed evil people to my free-range pet or get more hot sex with 40+ dancers who appreciate cheating on their husbands. Both are OK. Stop watching Californication which cannot be good for anyones constitution.


Photoshop the title covers of self-help books. Possibly subvert hypnosis self-improvement audiotapes to sow the seeds of confusion and future bedlam.


Go on vacation and learn to appreciate sleeping by the pool. Get a horrible tan and spend two weeks peeling my skin in public until I am porous enough to bleed like a sponge.


Accidentally knocking a catholic up, or dress like a retarded rabbit.