A man walks into a bar. He’s carrying a carpet under his arm. He wraps himself in the carpet, lies on the floor, covers his face and waits for people to step on him. A sign taped to the bar reads: “Step on carpet.”

→ New York Times: Bartender, Make It a Stiletto, by Kirk Semple.

Spritz cologne immediately above where the grilled cheese is made. This gives the cook a more aromatic and pleasant cooking experience.

→ From the Love Letters section of the Boston Globe: Allergic to “grilled cheese”

If you’re dead-set on deep-throating this guy, and he’s dead-set on being deep-throated, then the first step is for him to be a gentleman and cut it out with the facefucking.

→ Ask.Metafilter is as usual less prudish: His cock barely fits in my mouth; how can I give better head?

The tangy metallic is iron from the blood. Then there is the almond nutty context probably based on mucus. And the lightly salted melon. And the durian flavor from dead cells. Any of which can come to the fore based on diet and hormone progression.

→ Ask.Metafilter: Connoisseurs of Cunnilingus: What does it taste like to you?

Charlie crept into Terry and Penny’s first-floor bedroom and fired at them until his gun jammed. He handed the gun to Waid, who fixed the .22 and fired two more shots. They left the room, and then Charlie came back and cut Penny’s throat to make sure she was dead.

→ Pamela Colloff, Texas Monthly: Why did a small-town girl have her family brutally murdered?

Sengamalam, one of the boys, told me that more than 2,000 soldiers had been involved in the round-up of our 22-strong unit, and had dumped the bodies of those who died in the open air. My mind swum with images of Ajanthi and Muralie, their bodies being scavenged by dogs.

→ The Telegraph: Life as a female Tamil Tiger guerilla relived by one of first female soldiers.

Today, my mom’s will was read to the rest of the family. I helped my mom write it a couple years ago, and I was to get funds to pay off school loans. She revised it and put in a note saying I was to get nothing because I was gay. The executor read it out loud. My mom was the only one who knew.

→ Fuck my life: user 2796619

Congratulations are in order for Jenny and Tobias on the successful production of a child! May they all live long and prosper like hell! I’m certain their half-clone will be awesome and dressed in stuff with printed skulls on it.

Tobias, previously known for his Photoshop prowess, failed to deliver a time lapse video of the event so I’m substituting the miracle of birth with the miracle of men mounting a football fence outside my window. If you whistle Circle of Life while watching it you might tear up. I know I do!

[flv:https://monocultured.com/blog/blog_video/football_net.flv https://monocultured.com/blog/blog_video/football_net.png 640 360]

A couple of years ago I found How to Succeed in Evil by Patrick E. McLean, and now it’s available in a more polished version. It would be difficult to improve on the original story, but the calm and balmy voice of Patrick makes a listen worthwhile. I recommend a listen: How to Succeed in Evil.

Below is an unrelated short story he published a couple of years ago, Vampire in the Attic.

Not long ago I posted a short audio segment that Planet Money had produced on the Somali pirates. They followed up the story and talked to the negotiator for the pirates, Mr. Ali.

Link to full episode: And three baby camels.

Congratulations to us, there’s now at least one pirate in the EU parliament!

I don’t hold representative democracy in high regard, but it’s going to be interesting to see if Christian will get anything good done; Here’s hoping the green or left block buys him off by adopting the pirate platform in exchange for his support!

The panorama above is from the voting place at the central station in Stockholm Sunday evening, and the image below is the same panorama I always do whenever I’m on Skeppsholmen and am waiting for the bloody bus.

Tobias Hermansson is an evil man that enjoys clubbing seals, tearing wings off of flies, and doesn’t relent in his insistance that I look like Pedro. He used the power of Photoshop to make his case more convincing:

Speaking of voting, I’d urge all of you eligible to vote in the upcoming Swedish EU parliament election to support the Pirate Party. For real, if you don’t vote for them, you probably hate democracy. And puppies. What the fuck do you have against puppies you puppy–hating democracy–hater‽

Seriously though: “If voting changed anything they’d make it illegal” is more or less correct, but you could vote PP for shits and giggles if for no other reason. If you actually believe representative democracy is a good idea (oh, aren’t you adorable!) you ought to vote Pirate Party because every other party, left to right, doesn’t understand how the laws we’re passing on a national as well as international level are undermining every citizens right to privacy, and by extension all the provision that are in place that try to ensure a transparent democratic process and private communication and debate.

Who watchers the watchers, and so on. Go vote, you lazy bum. Piss off a few retarded politicians.

The artist formerly known as Andreas of Gothenburg made brief appearance Gothenburg. He can almost be seen in the upper left corner of this rather colourful moving image, hardly moving his fork.

I’m not even a real doctor; I’m just a veterinarian who got tired of dogs. It’s been three years and somehow no one’s asked to see my, uh, what do you call it… ‘human license’?

→ A magazine for astronauts and the rest of us: Collider #2

What would you say are the elements of personal charm? What resources would you recommend for someone seeking to be charming?

→ Ask.Metafilter.com, Astro Zombie: The Elements of Charm

Your enthusiasm is awesome but your lack of organisation has made me want to cry and/or bring a gun to class on several occasions.

→ University of Alberta, Pete Hurd: Past Anonymous Student Evaluation Comments

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Yesterday I was acting doorman at Enrico Pallazzo again, and at one point some guys with instruments showed up outside. Jan shot a video which serves to teach you two things:

1) Keep drunk girls the fuck away from tambourines.
2) Boys often believe that hats make up for practice when it comes to music; this is wrong.

As you know, nothing improves upon a lapse more than techno: Delinquest – No shoes. [mp3 link]

[flv:https://monocultured.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/thumpvideo600kbps.flv https://monocultured.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/thumpvideo600kbps.png 640 300]

I always miss holidays so it’s a good thing that other people keep track. Like Nate DiMe of The Memory Palace for example, who celebrated his tenth podcast by doing one about mothers day. I didn’t know the background to this holiday, and if you don’t know the story either, give it a listen and then go and read up on Ann Jarvis.