Four years ago I started in on a 2 year full time UX design/research vocational degree, and at the same time I started Hintlab as a collaborative platform to do some more experimental stuff. The need to solve “usability problems with an analytic and strategic mindset” seemed to be a perfect combination of my inclinations and talents. Since, I’ve attended tons of meetups, had chats and coffee with more people than I remember, and applied to hundreds of jobs as well as started my own company (Matepo Research AB). In the process, I’ve made new aquaintances and friends, and pivoted my butt off when the UX market didn’t recover from the 21—22 layoffs and the following slump and the ongoing AIgeddon.
Now I’m at a crossroads which has some personal reprecussions: My savings are all spent, my patience is worn to a nub, and — more importantly – my mood and self esteem is at a new low point, and I’m rethinking my life.
Here’s the thing: When I was making a living as a photographer and artist my personal finaces were always precarious. I lived from unstable paycheck to paycheck, teaching, getting grants, occasional commissions and projects, but I knew that economic insecurity came with the territory. Just like Hans Abbings book Why are artists poor? argues, there are always more artists then there is money (When I graduated the average period for an artist with an MFA to reach minimally viable financial stability post-graduation was 8 years. Last I checked it’s 12 years). Belonging to the precariat was a given, but I felt that what I was doing in the art and maker world – and the companionship that came with it – made up for it.
But that kind of living is taxing, and as people dropped off due to family and other priorities, so did I, getting a job as a coordinator & project manager. Skipping forward, after 8 years at KKV I felt that my combination of technical literacy, artistic experince, project management and research skills, would be perfectly suited to the UX field. And the design community in Gothenburg was welcoming, with plenty of interesting discussions, a shared commitment to conscientious design, accessibility and making the digital world slightly less sucky. We commiserated about employment opportunities and layoffs, but the need to improve usability is so obvious in our everyday lives, that I was certain that there must be a niche where I would fit in. Surely I had enough to offer that I could find a place with nice collegues and something interesting to do?
The first offer out of school was from one of the teachers who wanted me to work for free in order to establish their digital agency platform. After I asked about what the long term plan was for migrating it to paid work or even what the ambitions for the position were, I was ghosted. Oh well. Someone from a household-name Swedish tech company booked me for an interview which went well, and the next step was to get HR involved to see about a contract and discuss salary. And then I was ghosted – the recruiter as well as the team lead just stopped replying to my enquiries.
Oh. Well.
And it’s continued in that vein. I’ve had great talks with recruiters and hiring seniors, and there’s always a hurdle that I can’t clear between “we get along” to “we get along well enough that I want to pay you to do something”.
Part of it is my particular skillset or lack therof. Part of this might come down to me being poor at self-promotion. Part of it might be my age (just turned 48, can you believe it!), part of it might be my scattered career trajectory (which during one chat was genially described as “a series of interesting mistakes”). Of course, often it comes down to a poor fit to requirements: Some companies are looking for an operative designer to refactor design systems, other times there are hard requirement to have worked with BI or SPSS, or a track record of arguing ROI with clients. Many times it comes down to seniority, and I’m a junior UX:er in a field replete with desperate seniors.
In the end, money is in short supply right now and unemployment is soaring, and it’s tough all over – so I shouldn’t take this too personally. But it’s difficult not to do so, as everyone knows who has had to put on an employable face before going to yet another meetup.
So whatever it is that I have been looking for for the past two years – a conceptual and professional home – seems to have been the wrong thing. Now, my runway spent, I’m looking for something else. Not sure what it will be, but I’m not as wedded to the need to have “designer” in my title as I’ve been the past two years. I can still do design – like, I actually have a store selling stuff I’ve designed – but I’ve stopped going cap in hand to pointless meetings.
Now I just need to find something that combines my intrests with what I can get people to pay for. I’ll try harder with the Hintlab workshops, or spin the BanRay project up to do more than break even, or perhaps I should just find employment in another field altogher? I’m open to suggestions, because I’m tired of not having a context, and I’m tired of being broke, and I’m tired of being unappreciated. And I’m tired to be this worn down and sad all the time.
I have 30 years of life left in me and I’d like to think there’s something meaningful I can do with those. In fall I have full time work as a service technician at my alma mater Gothenburg University, but come 2027 I’m unemployed again unless something changes. And something needs to change.