Tag: health

Mental health and you: The incentive to exaggerate.

Went to the doctor today to get my anual vegan probing. I get bloodwork done to determin if my morally correct habits have left me with crippling disabilities on the insides; B12 deficiencies, tumours, wheat penis, etc. As usual, I try to pack as many things into this meeting as possible, so I do my best to get sick just before I go.

I’ve had this stabbing pain in one ear for a month, but after much poking and peering, the young Dr. Benjamin folded his arms and did a meh, concluding that since he couldn’t find anything let’s wait until the symptoms become worse, or better. It will be a consolidation if I end up with half my head amputated because of his wait-and-see strategy, but then again maybe it would be even better if the pain would just leave me the fuck alone.

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Also, I thought I’d get some theraphy out of it. As long as you get a remittal from a doctor, you can get theraphy (cognitive, psychodynamic, whatever) rather cheaply. So I figure since I have horrid mood swings during which I consider kicking dogs in the head (not that there’s anything morally wrong with disliking dogs, the filthy creatures) and often stare blankly into space at the slightest provocation, I might get some state sponsored theraphy to deal with it. No can do. The interview was short, and I’m way too normal to be cookoo.

— So, how long are these apathetic attacks that you get?
— Oh, a day or two. I just stare at the screen, worry about wasting my life away.
— Yeah, that’s perfectly normal. How about sleep, is it giving you any trouble?
— Oh yeah, I sleep very lightly and grind my teeth.
— How many hours of sleep do you get each night?
— Lately between four to eight hours.
— Yeah, perfectly normal.
— But can’t you put me on the list? I need some help here!
— Right, I’ll “put you on the list” right away.

Even though most people are at least as neurotic as I, and the fact that one in ten Swedes is on psychoactive drugs, it can’t possibly be good to feel this way. Goddammit, I want to concentrate my self-centeredness to one session every two weeks, not have it as my main hobby. There are no two ways to go about this I guess: Some dogs are going to wish they never barked in my direction…

Pants! Again!

I broke a needle, and lesson learned Re: Using gaffers tape for support, but I managed to stitch a pair of pants together. By “together” i mean I’m no longer exposing any nasty bits, although obviously my craftsmanship isn’t perfected yet. Some people didn’t notice the careful work and dedication I put into it. Well, some people can go suck an egg, that’s what I say. And I used a coloured thread on purpose. It was an artistic decision.

Because being psychosomatic is an interesting hobby, I spent the other day doing a mix-n-match between my blood-test results and possible deficiencies/symptoms. I do this vegan blood test once a year or so to see what stuff I might be lacking (I don’t feel like becoming a B12-goth) and this time it turns out that I have way too high iron levels. Four hours later, I’m quite certain i might have become a B12-goth.

I have a meeting with lady in white come Monday, and she’ll prolly tell me to stop being a whiny turd, hopefully using more comforting language. But it’s always tempting to assign blame – and if I could pass off my tiredness and passivity as of late to something as banal as vitamin deficiency, I could just as easily be placeboed into “fitness” or something resembling it. Below, Anna and Jonas, two of the most fit people I know.

Hi mom!

Once a year I try to get my bloodwork done. I check for vitamin or mineral deficiencies, what with being a vegan and all. At one point in my life I’d like to do a Michael Jackson test – a battery of doctors and shrinks prodding and pushing and asking me about everything. The impulse to get to know oneself through the eyes of others, and also through a material analysis, makes this very tempting.

The criminally insane (or those suspected of being such) often get a large or small psych test, to determine if they’re actually loco or merely pretending. If I ever get a chance, I’m going for the big test. Until then, I’ll settle with having two vials of blood drawn and a doctor knocking on my back with a small hammer.

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